Too
by diandra
Summary: Too late. Too familiar. Too long. Too well. Too much. It was all too good to be true. But I didn't realize that.


Too

Did you think I'd never noticed before? Did you think it was all a surprise to me, a well hidden mystery that had finally decided to step into the light? Did you honestly think that?

Well, you were wrong. I know you expect a lot of yourself and you believe yourself to be the master of the universe, but I'd never once considered you'd think you could manipulate me so easily.

It's only now that I realize, of course, that that was your opinion of me then. And justified. You knew me better than I knew myself. 

Too late. I saw everything too late.

_All the times_

_That I felt like this won't end_

_It's for you_

That afternoon when you came up to me in that deserted corridor and pushed me inside an empty classroom, I wasn't astonished. I knew what you were organizing in your mind, I knew it all along. The facial expression you wore was too familiar for me to overlook the intentions it gave away. 

So, yes. That answer was prepared. And shoving you back and giving you the cold shoulder wasn't a reflex, it wasn't my instinct. It was all part of a bigger plan.

Did you think that I'd drop on my knees, vowing my eternal love to you and swearing by every possible moon that I'd do anything for you? Just like any other girl? I doubt so. You must have suspected that I wouldn't take your declaration of love seriously. You'd been watching me too long for that.

And the taste 

_That I could never have_

_It was from you_

But I knew you wouldn't give up. And you didn't. You returned, and I remained prepared. I thought I had you, I thought I had hurt you. Not with a sledgehammer, but with a needle, a pinprick right through your heart and believes. I thought I had you on your knees.

But I was wrong. You saw through me. How could you not? After all, you'd been watching me for a long time. Too long. And you switched the roles without me realizing.

_All the times_

_That I felt insecure_

_For you_

You got through to me. I should have understood why you kept trying and trying. 

You showed me what I wanted to see. Emotions, lack of control, insecurity; your human side. And what you had foreseen happened. 

My mind became crowded with questions about truth, reality and faith. I forgot to be indifferent and I forgot about my original quest for vengeance. My will broke and I started listening.

And you

Bring me to my knees

Again

I believed you, everything you told me. All the feelings you unleashed in me, made my vision blurry. I was confused, my head was full and my attention lapsed. And slowly, I opened my heart to you, because I was convinced you'd unlocked yours first. I showed you a part of the real me. I think at one point I even loved you, and trusted you.

You tricked me to trick myself. You hadn't asked for my love, but you arranged it, so that ultimately, I would give it to you anyway.

And you saw. You had come to know me too well. You noticed when you'd achieved your goal. The arrow you'd fired had hit its target. Your job was done. The only thing left to do, was to let me know the presence of that arrow. And so you did.

All the times 

_That I've cried_

_All this wasted_

_It's all inside_

At first, I didn't believe you. I shouted and got angry and called you a liar. But when you pulled the evidence out of my chest and showed me the point that was covered with blood, _my _blood, I staggered backwards into the shadows. The hunter had become the victim.

Shame isn't a big enough word to describe the next days. I had shown you all my sins. But apparently, I'd been talking to a wall.

You'd betrayed me, but I couldn't blame you. I couldn't insult you because I've loved you willingly. Strange, how everything alters so fast.

One moment, I am thinking I could never live without you, the next you're gone, and all I'm left with is hate and fierce longing.

Maybe they were partly right, when they said you can overcome anything. All you have to do is erase all the happy memories, the ones you've clung to when the whole world failed you, and move on. How hard it may be.

But I couldn't leave the wound alone, I couldn't let it heal. And even now, sometimes it still itches and the scar still burns.

All the times 

_That I've tried_

_My intentions_

Full of pride 

Against all my expectations, you didn't point your finger to laugh at me, and you didn't tell the whole school. But you knowing was enough to make me want to disappear of the surface of this world forever. 

When I was with you, I couldn't hold my tongue. My heart was restless and full, yet I felt at ease around you. That's how, step by step, you became important. That's why I still searched for your eyes across the room. That's why I still compared myself to you. Even if I told myself to avert my head, I just couldn't. I kept trying to get your attention.

But you ignored me. You never looked at me again. The glances and stares I used to find annoying were missed.

In that short time you had managed to fill a space within me. And when, unexpectedly, you removed it forcefully, all that was left was emptiness, and an aching craving for the past. 

Too late. It all shouldn't have come this far.

And I feel 

_All this pain_

_Stuffed it down_

_It's back again_

I should have known it was all fake. You would never show what goes on inside of you. You don't change. You can't change, and you won't let yourself. I have loved a vision.

It can't get worse than that, can it? I guess it's ironic. I've loved something that has never actually been there, someone that will never truly exist. And that harsh truth will keep haunting me for the rest of my life.

And I lie 

_Here in bed_

All alone 

Sometimes I can't keep myself from looking at you. Then I see how you smirk disdainfully, or how your eyes sparkle with malice. But I don't want to remember the touch of your hand when you comforted and soothed me. I won't remember. Because then I'll want you back.

That's why I hate you.

The effort of forcing all these emotions down is tiresome. I'm drained of all energy. Every breath is too much asked for. Every morning I drag myself out of my bed, every day I'm confronted with the fact that you have never loved me as I've loved you, every night I fall asleep thinking about all the possible ways to end all this.

But I can't. I can't even end it all. All my thoughts of taking action, those words will never be true.

Because I'm a coward. And because deep down, I still hope that maybe tomorrow, you'll come up to me and change the past.

Don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean I'll forgive you, but at least I'll be able to leave everything that's happened alone.

I can't mend 

It was a mystery to me, how hate turns into love, and back into hate. A mystery locked behind forbidden doors. You opened them, and I made the mistake of crossing the threshold. I was tempted and allowed myself to be lead by revenge.

But I assure you, I will never let that happen again, Draco Malfoy. You've hurt me too much for that.

_But I feel_

_Tomorrow will be okay_


End file.
